There are moments in darkness when you begin to feel like you don’t belong. Bursts of excitement quickly fade into silent cries and emptiness in crowded rooms. I remember breaking down, crying to someone I trusted, saying, “I don’t feel like myself”—while surrounded by people who were comfortable being everything but themselves.
That was my first red flag.
Losing Myself in the Darkness
I always thought I was strong and resilient, but I silently battled deep spiritual confusion, addiction, and emotional highs and lows. I was living powerlessly. Being controlled by feelings and momentary satisfaction. What started as “just having fun” became a lifestyle I couldn’t break free from.
“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.”
James 4:8
In August 2020, I hit a breaking point. I went to a friend crying, confused, and torn. “I don’t feel like myself, I don’t know what’s happening to me,” I said. That conversation unlocked something inside of me—but instead of healing, things got worse. Not long after, on Labour Day weekend, I was drugged. Taken advantage of. Left speechless. And yet I stayed silent.
Why? Because I blamed myself. I thought, “I was drinking. I put myself in that environment. No one will believe me.”
That trauma pulled me into a darkness I never thought I’d experience.
When Sin Feels Like Satisfaction
Oddly enough, I didn’t always feel lost. I was at my “dream weight,” getting compliments, receiving attention, and feeling powerful. Prideful, as I was in a good financial position. But deep inside, I was battling the shame of what happened to me, the confusion of who I was becoming, and the hurt from someone I thought loved me.
I started showing more skin. The attention boosted me—but the one person I truly wanted didn’t like it. Suddenly I was torn between external validation and internal conviction.
Have you ever fought for attention from someone, while losing yourself in the process? I clung to a man who made me feel seen after the assault. He accepted me. He cared—or so I thought. Until I realized he wasn’t who he claimed to be. But by then, I was heartbroken, ashamed, and honestly— I didn’t to be alone.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
Seeking Peace in Unpeaceful Places
Eventually, I reached out to my “church aunt.” I told her everything. She didn’t judge me. She just asked, “Are you pregnant?” (I wasn’t.) Still, I defended the relationship and the lifestyle. I was afraid to admit I needed to stop. So I stayed.
But something shifted.
I started to feel distant from him. Constant complaints to my family about him. Yet when I saw him, he’d say, “I feel like I’m losing you,” and shower me with affection. It was a toxic cycle. One moment, I was saying “I’m done.” The next, I was entertaining proposals and empty promises.
“I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten…”
Joel 2:25
Eventually, I made a decision. I told a friend, “If I get my period Tuesday, I’m leaving. If not, I’ll stay.” (Ha! That was my logic back then.) But what I really needed was strength to let go—and grace to start again.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Romans 8:1
From Spiritual Confusion to Restoration
I was emotionally drained, spiritually empty, and tired of pretending. That season taught me how easy it is to slowly drift from who you are and who God called you to be. It didn’t happen overnight. But God’s mercy never left me.
“And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it…’”
Isaiah 30:21
Even in the dark, God sees you. Even when you don’t feel like yourself, God knows who you are.
5 Powerful Takeaways for You:
- If you feel lost or unlike yourself, seek wise counsel—not people in the same place of brokenness. Talk to a pastor, mentor, or faith leader.
- Don’t run back to what broke you. It won’t fix what only God can heal.
- Feelings are real, but they’re not facts. Living led by emotions can trap you in cycles that kill your peace and identity.
- Backsliding doesn’t mean you’re beyond repair. It means you’re human—and in need of the Savior’s restoring grace.
God is still writing your story. Even in your confusion, there is a way back.
Have you ever felt like you weren’t yourself? Or like you were too far gone to be loved again?
Leave a comment